Happy 4th of July.

As freedom of speech is very important to us and we were introduced to it on this day, I thought I would have some fun. (Boy, those Founding Fathers didn't have me in mind with that one. LOL) If you know me, you know I don't tend to do things the usual way. But, in the USA, being an individual is encouraged by most.

*Disclaimer: In case you don't know American History, (which is most people born and raised in the US!) NONE OF THE FOLLOWING "FACTS" IS TRUE! Don't use me for your homework, please. Unless you'd like an 'F' and a trip to the Principal's office.*

That said, here we go!

These are the truths I hope to introduce you to. It has been long enough that the lies have been called reality. Women have a right to gain their due.

~ It was NOT Paul Revere on that famous ride. It was Paula Revere. Heaven forbid they acknowledge this award winning horserider. And it was simply scandalous that she wore men's britches will riding. She was sort of the embarassment of a nation.

~ It was NOT Betsy Ross who sewed our first flag. It was Billy Ross. They were embarassed by a male seamstress. It didn't help that Billy liked to dress like he was a Betsy. America's first cross-dresser, ladies and gentlemen.

~ It was NOT John Hancock, it was Jane Hancock. Think about it, the neat, legible signature. With the fancy curlicues. Most men can't even print neatly.

~ In fact, all the "Founding Fathers" were women! They kept this a secret because they didn't want to be hassled by the other countries. Nothing worse than a "Hey Baby!" when you're trying to conduct national business.

~ The Mayflower was NOT sent here to colonize the Americas. It was a traveling Casino Boat that got lost. Think Gilligan's Island. They decided to stay because the gambling limits were higher.

~ George Washington was not really in charge. It was Martha Washington who did everything. Heck, George couldn't even tie his shoes, hence the buckles.

~ The Boston Tea Party was NOT about tea. The colonists were mad that they weren't getting any rum from Jamaica. The sloshed king was hoarding it all.

~ The "Founding Fathers," who were actually the husbands of the real founders, were all cross-dressers. Think about it, tights, powdered wigs, shoes with buckles and heels. Bet you didn't know they wore corsets underneath. The powdered faces, that's a sure sign of a fetish.

~ They were not nicknamed "Minutemen" for how long it took to get ready for war. Their wives thought they could shame them into improving. I guess it didn't work. We seem to have plenty of "minutemen" still around.

~ That whole thing with George Washington and the Cherry tree was not a total lie. He was not a child when it happened, he was a grown man. It wasn't a cherry tree, it was a Redwood. Martha, being prez and all, covered it up because everyone knew they were ancient. That's why the redwoods are only on the west coast. George and his guy friends used them to make moonshine barrels. The original rednecks, folks.

©Copyrighted by Stumbeline, June 30, 2000.

I hope this at least got a snicker out of you. If you don't like it, too bad - get a life. Feel free to sign my guestbook and rant. Or send me email and complain. The email for complaints is: RushLimbaugh@biteme.org

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